I am mom and I am me
An Ode to all heart and special needs moms
To all the moms that have gotten a prenatal diagnosis and your hearts literally stopped beating the moment you heard this first mention of “we have to take another test”.
To all the moms who after an ultrasound, had a doctor come in to “take another look”.
To all my moms who after that ultrasound had to be taken into another room and sat down to “discuss” your baby’s health.
To all the moms who in that moment the world slipped out from under your feet.
To all the moms who looked at that tissue box with dread that you would need it and never looked at a tissue box the same after that moment.
To all the moms who heard the words “I’m sorry but your baby has...”
To all the moms who’s world stopped spinning in that moment.
To all the moms who’s life changed in that moment.
To all the mom who thought after that things would never be the same.
To all the moms who questioned everything they did in their pregancy that could have caused it, knowing that nothing they could have done could have prevented it.
To all the moms who suddenly the sound of the doctors voice was muffled and drowned out by the intense loudness of their own uncontrollable heartbeat.
To all the moms who had so many questions at that moment after finding out but couldn’t get the words out to ask.
To all the moms who were told after finding out there was something wrong with their baby and hearing the worst news that “there’s more” or “that’s not all” “a lot of the times this is caused by ANOTHER disorder or syndrome” and being told “ that you need to see ANOTHER doctor or have MORE tests”.
To all the moms who have those said tests and hear “the preliminary results will be in, in a few days”.
To all the moms who feel like that nothing is going right after first finding out the terrible news.
To all the moms who wait by the phone to get those preliminary results.
To all the moms that google themselves scared beyond comprehension.
To all the moms that almost hit the ignore button when said call from doctor,genetic counselor, or nurse comes through.
To all the moms who dread hearing that persons voice and it sounds like nails on a chalkboard.
To all the moms who hear those dreaded words “I’m sorry but your son/daughter has...”.
To all those moms who again go through everything they have done in their pregnancy that might have caused it and they hear “it’s completely random. There was nothing they could have done to cause or prevent it”.
To all the moms who go through so many emotions after that call that changes their lives forever.
To all the moms who think so many thoughts a mother shouldn’t think after finding out their diagnosis.
To all the moms who think why would god give me this child only to make him suffer.
To all the moms who grieve the child they had imagined, the one they pictured in their mind. The child that would get through life with ease. The child that would be healthy.
The child that would be independent and be included in everything. The child that wouldn’t be judged based on a diagnosis, an extra chromosome, the way the look, the way they learn, the way they are different. The child that would one day have babies himself and walk down the aisle. The child that society wouldn’t act differently when they walked into a room or when the saw them. They child that they thought would be and the child that was no longer.
To all the moms who secretly hoped the test results were wrong and couldn’t wait for the day to give birth in hopes things would come out differently.
To all the moms who hoped it was all a nightmare or bad dream and yearned for them to wake up and for it to end.
To all the moms who went into a panic when they were told they needed an emergency c-section because their babies heart couldn’t handle labor.
To all the mom who prepared endlessly and obsessively only for that day to come when their baby would come into the world,and absolutely nothing could prepare them for all that they had feared, would be erased immediately when hearing the sweet sound of their child’s cry.
To all the moms who felt guilty the moment they saw their baby at all the thoughts they had prenatally, and only thought in that moment that their child was shear perfection.
To all the moms who didn’t get to see or hold their baby after birth.
To all the moms who were separated after birth for hours or days and yearned for that moment they would get to hold their bundle of joy.
To all the moms who couldn’t smell that fresh air on their way home with their baby, and instead had to endure long sleepless nights confined to hospital room.
To all the moms who weren’t able to breastfeed, and had felt like they failed as a mother, that they couldn’t be that sole source of nourishment, that they would never have that bond that you can only have from a nursing relationship.
To all the moms who spent the days confined to the wires of a pump, and stuck to that little yellow machine that felt like it was sucking the life out of you.
To all the moms who couldn’t help but look at the clock or phone every 2-3 hours to make sure you didn’t miss that dreaded pumping session.
To all the moms that resented the clock, the ticking, the hours, the seconds.
To all the moms who had to witness endless tests and wait for countless results.
To all the moms who counted down the days til they could put their baby in that car seat and couldn’t wait for that first ride, that first ride home.
To all the moms who felt that home was a vacation, one you would never be able to take, and that the little room you had been in, had become your new home.
To all the moms who had to come back to that dreaded hospital room for their babies heart surgery,
To all the moms who couldn't stand the thought of their child in pain after said surgery.
To all the moms who's child experienced complications after that heart surgery and thought they might endure ANOTHER surgery.
To all the moms who after surgery had to spend the days again waiting to hold and snuggle their baby after surgery.
To all the moms who took pictures before said surgery just to look at their baby pre-scar.
To all the moms who knew that even though their baby would have that zipper, that scar, that it was an in a way, an honor to be apart of the zipper club.
To all the moms who wore red everyday to show support and bring awareness not only to their child but the other children with CHD (congenital heart defects)
To all the moms who learned all the medical terminology just so they felt they could speak with the doctors easily, and googled just about every term they were given.
To all the moms who asked “does this happen often” or “is this common in babies with heart defects or Trisomy 21?”
To all the moms who asked so many questions they forgot the answers to the first few questions they asked.
To all the moms who felt that every little improvement in their child's recovery was a major victory.
To all the moms who's new style become yoga pants,greasy hair,layers, and almost forgot what a hot shower felt like!
To all the moms who forgot what it felt like to dream because sleep felt like a luxury, a luxury that was no longer.
To all the moms who put aside their own needs in order to take care of their little ones
To all the moms who felt like their life had become a waiting game, waiting to see your baby, waiting to hold your baby, waiting for a surgery, waiting for a recovery, waiting for test results, waiting for updates, waiting for a day that you didn’t spend it waiting and waiting.
I am a heart mom. I am a special needs mom. I am a Trisomy 21 mom. I am a Rockin mom. I am mom and I am me. It doesn’t define me but it has become who I am. I am a mom first, and me second. My son is the reason I wake up everyday. He is a part of me, my hero, my heart. He is the reason I have become passionate about helping other heart moms,t21 moms, and breastfeeding moms from the start. If I can make an impact on just one mom and let them know YOU are NOT ALONE, Thats all I need. He is the reason I tell our story. He is our story. Rycker’s story.
Please share this so other heart and special needs moms can read it!